why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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