I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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