i was born a porn star she said
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I deserve this hangover.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
