The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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