I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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