Plan B is the new Plan A
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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