whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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