I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
