i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
