Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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