she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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