My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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