Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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