u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
