remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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