forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
