tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
