i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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