PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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