The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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