I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
