She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
