Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
