trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
