I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
