just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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