my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
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he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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