I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
