if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
