New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
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How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
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You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'