I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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