While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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