I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
