Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
