You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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