and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
