Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
