So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I touched a dick in church today
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
