I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
