Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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