Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
