Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
