The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think i peed on brittanys purse
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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