Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
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