I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
