Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
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I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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