I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
