I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
