My first STD was from a foam party
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
