I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
