So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
