I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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