i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
