I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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