you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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