do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
