remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
