He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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