It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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