how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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